Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
