the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
