My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
