So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
