We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
