i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
