So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
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