Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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