sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
