Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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