I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
