that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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