She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
