explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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