I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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