I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
