She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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