now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
