I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
