There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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