We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
