i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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