the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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