i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
