it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
