I can text with my tongue
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
