what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
