We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize