Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
