Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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