she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
