Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
