I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
