some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
