Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
