I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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