Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Welp...herpes.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
