if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
