Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
that may or may not have been my penis.
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