Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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