By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize