i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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