Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
