please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
