I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
