My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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