Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
