god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize