He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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