When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
