Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
