I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
