Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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