guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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