ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
