Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
