Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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