I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
