I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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