the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Randomize
