Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
