Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
